Thoughts, ideas & dreams…

I’m one of those people that get’s a new idea every couple of days that completely overtakes me and I get so excited but within a few weeks that energy is gone. It’s pretty annoying. So when I have an idea that I’m excited about I have to be very careful not to dive too deep until I know for sure that it’s something for real and not a fuzzy, shiny dream idea that’s fun to think about. I’m complicated.

But regardless of my origami-style thought patterns, I feel something different this time. This feels real, tangible, exciting… and possible. I know this is the real deal since fear has started to creep in, trying to sabotage my inspiration. But that’s great! Because if I didn’t care deeply about this, I wouldn’t have thought to see any other sides to my idea. The scary parts. The uncertainty. All of which equates in my mind as an adventure.

I am currently getting certified as a prenatal heath coach. I would love to walk with women through their journey’s to help keep them low risk for home births, birth centers or even hospital births. The ball is rolling here. I only have 4 more weeks to go until I take the certification exam. Woo!

But stage 2 is where my head is at now. I would really enjoy being a birth/midwife assistant. I’m not interested in being a full-blown, midwife. I just want to help. Be a second pair of hands to help the midwife, to hold the mothers hand while she pushes, to encourage, etc. Ever since I put my stethoscope away when Hazel was born, I knew I would one day have a reason to use it again. It has always been such a part of who I am to care for people that needed emotional or medical attention. I want a reason to pick up my stethoscope again. I want to help women birth with confidence through education and empowerment (health coaching). And I also want to be that second pair of hands for a midwife who needs me. (Birth assistant).

This feels real to me. It is real. And I want it so bad. But I have to remember it takes small steps, not giant leaps. I have to be patient. But I want to JUMP.

I have a confession to make…

The word “sexy” has always made me cringe. It has rarely even been a term directed towards me, but a word I would recognized hearing others talk about a woman’s physique, or outfit. To me, sexy felt critical. judgemental. & honestly.. dirty. It doesn’t even make sense why I would think that. Sexy doesn’t equal pornographic. Right?

Hopefully not.

I’ve been struggling internally with feeling… not unattractive or undesirable… but a lack of confidence in my appearance. Maybe it’s because I had a baby 11 months ago, my body has changed and I feel doomed to sweat pants, leggings (which are still my maternity ones) and tank tops. Maybe it’s because I’m tired at the end of the day from mommy-ing that all i want to do is wrap up in a blanket and call it a night. Or maybe it’s because I’m so deeply insecure with feeling like I’m doing something wrong, that I avoid feeling or looking sexy at all. I’d say it’s a little of each.

The more I think about what sexy is, even though I retreat within myself as soon as I hear the word, it is definitely connected to self-confidence. I don’t want to be scared to wear something… ahem.. sexy.. for my husband. I’ve felt really stupid about this for far too long, and the best way I could think to get it off my chest and move a position was to be totally open and honest about it. So there it is. Out in the open. Here you go internet.

This shouldn’t be a difficult thing for me but it is. But I’m going to overcome this. The first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem and I have a problem with being sexy haha

And guess what.. men are visual! (shocker). It’s important to me that my husband gets his visual-ness from me! His wife. I have the ability to help him in this area and keep him strong from temptation. That’s a huge motivator!

This might be an awkward read for some of you but if you’re married, this can’t come to you as a surprise. Just thinking of wearing something… sexy.. makes my heart start pounding. But in the end, it won’t ever be something I regretted.

So I’m gonna pull up my big girl panties (hopefully not granny panties) and I’m bringing sexy back! (but don’t read the lyrics to that song because that’s not what I’m saying) 🙂